Day 7
Author:
November 12, 2018
“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” Proverbs 19:21
I attended the Radiant Women’s conference at my church, 19:10, this past weekend. That Saturday morning, it occurred to me that 10 years had passed since I went to my first women’s conference with this church (then Watermark). We had just moved to Boerne from Beavercreek, Ohio. It was hard to believe that much time has passed so quickly! The conference was on JOY, something I truly hadn’t given much thought to, but believed I had. It was a wonderful conference with a gifted and funny guest speaker, Holly Knight. Her stories touched our hearts, made us laugh and cry, and taught us much about the Lord. While reflecting back (something I rarely do) on past conferences, God showed me highlights of how He has been weaving my story together. Only in looking back could I see what He’s done. He connected us with our first friends here through our son’s football team back in 2008. That friend invited me to sign up for the women’s conference the first time I went to the church, so I did. There was another women’s conference about five years ago that I wasn’t going to attend because I was going out of town for a wedding. The wedding was canceled and I was able to attend the conference last minute. I was placed in a room with someone I didn’t know, as our women’s conferences used to be in San Antonio hotels before we had a building. That roommate has become one of my dearest friends. I recall attending another women’s conference two years ago and telling another friend that I felt like there was a disconnect for me spiritually. It was like I knew the Bible, I knew I was saved, yet I felt like there was never any change in me. Despite faithfully attending women’s bible studies, even leading small groups in several studies, I felt like I was the same person I was since moving to Boerne. It wasn’t until this past weekend that something finally clicked. What I was missing was what I knew I hadn’t had… transformation. But the only thing that had kept me from it… was Me!
I have been the one giving God the Heisman… keeping Him at arm’s length and not letting him truly change me. I compartmentalized my spiritual life, keeping God in a tidy box where He felt safe and predictable. I’m a rule follower and perfectionist by nature, so I thought I was doing all the right things: daily quiet time, reading my Bible, and attending church. I am known to be independent, and I like order, cleanliness, and predictability. Letting go and letting God take the helm did not come naturally to me. I read two devotionals most mornings, but on the morning of November 2nd, the first night of the women’s conference, I didn’t read because I had to be at work early that day. Instead, I read them on the morning of the second day of the conference. God used this little decision to affirm the ideas and stirrings that the Holy Spirit had put in my heart. One entry was titled “Authority and Independence” and the other was called “Do You Have this Joy?” In Oswald Charmbers’ My Utmost for His Highest, he writes: “the Lord does not give me rules, He makes His standard very clear, and if my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation. If I hesitate, it is because I love someone else in competition with Him, viz., myself. Jesus Christ will not help me to obey Him, I must obey Him; and when I do obey Him, I fulfill my spiritual destiny.” You see, I kept waiting for Jesus to change me, when all along He was patiently waiting for me to just obey Him. He was never going to force obedience and as long as I kept Him at arm’s length, transformation would never happen. I finally understand that knowing about God is not the same as knowing God. I have to do my part to know Him- through prayer, worship, knowing His Word, and being obedient to the Holy Spirit. I could look back and think that so much time has been wasted, but I prefer to look back and see the loving, patient hand of my Creator. He is, thankfully, never in a rush to get things done, unlike someone I know really well! Sharing this story feels like my first step of obedience. I’m hoping it’s the first of many!
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